SilMarWeN

Sunday, October 31, 2004

hmmm been a while since i updated. where do i start eh. let's see...

i had mass break fast with tkgs friends: azzah(!!!!), ili(!!!!), syaf(!!!!), shareena(!!!!), khalies, rohani and ellia(!!!!!)at kampung chai chee, kembangan. it was such great fun getting to meet them after such a loonnnnnnnnng time. we had tom yam soup which was ultra spicy, beancurd, sweet sour fish, kangkung, sambal sotong, fried squid and i dunno what else. oh yah we had chocolates to substitute for kurma. oh yah..i dunno how the tom yam soup was able to get into ellia's eyes...haha..that's seriously a first..but then, it's so typical of ellia...hahaha...

so off we went to ili's house to pray maghrib, isyak and watch the results of s'pore idol while khalies and ellia went to mydin to pray 8 rakaat of terawih...ili's house is so nice..she changed her room...and it's very nice now..hehe. oh yah, when we went out of kampung chai chee, this group of incorrigilbe juveniles were blatantly holding their camera handphones and snapping our pictures away...folowed by their loud, irritating boisterous laughter. some pple namely mats and minah just have nothing better to do...maybe they're just too stunned and speechless at our stupendous beauty that they simply cannot resist the temptation of taking snapshots of us.

we were so unannimously voting for taufik...haah..all of us wanted him to get through to the next round and being the tkgians that we were, we just screamed his name and were holding hand, praying and hoping that taufil would get in...haahaa..thank god ili's parents were not at home cos they went for terawih...

after we went to geylang to buy food!!!! haha..gosh i swear i'd never go there on a friday night ever again. it was so packed that it was almost impossible to walk...i went off early with rohani cos i was already coughing so badly like some ahma...plus my ankle was killing me as it has not completely healed yet...and to make things worse, i was in sch u cos i didn't go home after sch and met syafiqah straightaway. i acrtually went to geylang with her in the afternoon and just looked around. somehow i find that the clothes this time around do not catch my eyes..most of them are so gaudy. since i wasn't fasting, i made full use of it by criticising everything that i saw....until i myself admit that i'm so bitchy and slappable. poor syaf had to bear with all of my comments. i mean i'm such a choosey and stubborn girl when looking at clothes that i must find at least one fault with the baju kurung even though it looks appealing overall...haha..maybe it's just me..bitchinees is in my blood..haha

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

hehe..i just realised that when a whole group of u are not fasting, it can be quite fun. i mean at least u have company..and u can eat with them...no need to worry of eating in front of your friends. as it is, all the muslim girls in my class, except forkhlaisah, cannot fast...and yah it is quite fun ah...cos all of us can eat..hehe

poor bo ying..she had to buy food for us at the sch canteen cos all of us were too embarrassed to buy for ourselves...then we went behind the lt to eat..haha...like we're doing sth illegal like that...i''ve been practising my op until i'm going to lose my voice soon...and this cough of mine is hindering mefrom talking coherently...i still have a problem projecting my voice...weelll no surprise there cos this problem has been bothering me since pri sch...

oh yah i overslept today...woke up at 7.15 am when i'm supposed to meet iffah at 7. sheeshness...i was supposed to take a cab with her to sch since i cannot walk properly...i'm like limping and someone called me an old woman and a makcik*glares at that someone*.

okalyah..that's it for now...

bang!!!i'm down with code red..haha like finally..after weeks of playing the waiting game...for a while i tot i was pregnant...hehe..okay...i got a lil bit paranoid i guess...but i'm strting to hate it now cos it's so uncomfortable. how i wish i can take out my womb and put it back inside me after seven days..okay..that was a very ridiculous suggestion but yah, it certainly robs me of my freedom, if u noe what i mean....

yesterday, i finally managed to eat the rotiboy that kak effa has been talking abt and yum..it was super delicious....hmmm..i feel like eating it again....so we had to break fast in the car by drinking water first...then we collected the 26 rotiboys that kak effa had ordered at china square. made our way to this mosque in raffles place to pray maghrib and then we settled down at fig and olive at tanjong pagar to eat chicken bbq pasta. we totally dominated the place cos we were the only ones there....

oh yah..i'm such a klutz thta i sparained my ankle again...for the second time in 4 and a half months..and good luck to me, i sparained the same ankle...so decided not to go to sch in the morning but i had to go in the end for peedoubleu.peedoubleu is like consuming my life. i can't wait for 4th nov when it'll be finally over....

yay..i'm going to break fast with my sec friends on fri...hmm dun feel like coming to sch even cos i only have one freaking bio lect that day...hope that my ankle will be fine by fri..well, let's pray hard...

Thursday, October 21, 2004

hmmm i seriously think i have become a pon queen..haha..skipped the whole of nyaa talk and interhouse cheerleading competition last week, i skipped gp on tues and wed and almost slipped chem just now..thank goodness i didn't....hehe....hmmm went all the way to bugis yesterday just to pass time and went to ramya's house just now cos there were just too many free periods..haha

i am so happy cos most of my classmates class promote...so fun cos we will all not split up and ms huda is confirmed following us up...yay!!!

went to the simei banquet to break fast just now with huda, salwa, shahirah, nasyrah and ms huda....and i met nabila! hazwani! and ellia! miss them so much....

okay..just stop there now and back to pw...what's new rite...my life evolves around pw now...and i have currently started reading again..a hobby i've put aside for quite some time. i want to buy da vinci code and the time traveller's wife...okay will use my bursary money to buy those books...

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

hmmm, i just dun have the mood to update lately. anyway open house was okay i guess but it was super tiring. i was so burnt out that i actually woke up at 2.30 in the afternoon on Sat! So much for wanting to go to vj's open house which ended at 3. hmm...that was seriously the latest time i have ever woken up throughout the history of my life, which isn't that much, i admit.

i think i spent my whole weekend sleeping, desperately catching up on my sleep. hehe. on sunday, i ate like tons of food at my grandma's house. there was simply too much food and i simply can't resist the temptation to eat and gobble down the food and desserts like fruit jelly, honeydew sago and suji..yum yum..thank god it's now at night and i'm not fasting yet...if not, i'll be drroling man....

okay so yesterday and today was a mentally gruelling day, filled anxiety too, i can safel say. yup...our promo results..i scraped through promos like i literally scraped it with the skin of my teeth...and i'm not proud of it one bit...it's not an achievement for me at all...cos my bio and gp was a major disappintment...big time. i mean they were supposed to be my stronges subjects but in the end...there were like one of my weakest....haissh whatever. and i failed my gp essay for the first timne in a major exam and i failed badly too.......okay no use fretting over my results...it's already done and over....

so far, this fasting month is one of the most challenging one that i've had experienced. maybe it's because there's still school and i rally have to be patient and tolerant with pple's characters that really irate me. well..that's part and parcel of fasting month i guess...where your EQ is really put to the test and stretched to the limit.

i'm really sick of pw..like totally sick of it...every spare second i have is devoted to pw...erggh...it's really killing me man...the nasyid song i'm listening to by the group Brothers is not bad..quite nice...haha....their voices are very nice...haha...that was so irrelevant ah but whatevr....

sighz..there's odac tmr at 3-6...at pasir ris park...aiyoh...it's so obvious we have to run there....and i'm feeling feverish and i think i'm coming down with a flu and fever...oh no...i think i jangkit from my bro...and somehow i dun feel like running and getting sweaty in the hot sun ...and i'm fasting tmr some more...nvm..patience is a virtue....

okay..back to doing my op slides...oh no, i haven't even ironed my uniform yet..i'm so sleepy yet i want to watch the man u-sparta prague match...hmm maybe i'll sleep after sahur or sth...yah and there's sch later....but who cares...

Friday, October 15, 2004

Ramadhan is finally here again, the most holy month in the Muslim calendar. Somehow, i always look forward to Ramadhan because of:
- eating sahur or pre-dawn meal together as a family
- breaking fast together as a family
- praying terawih with my father as the imam and we, following him from behind

I find that Ramadhan bonds my family together. Not only on an individual family level, but also bonds my extended family together. it's really a very nice feeling and u will feel the warmth of breaking fast together nad praying together. i mean, how often do u get to sit down together and eat with everyone in the family present? For me, i can safely say that it's not very often cos my father always comes home late from work. by then, we would have already eaten dinner.

ypu know kak effa, and my darling cousins, it's really amazing huh how we share the exact sentiments and thoughts..hmmm maybe we have the same blood flowing in us after all. i cannot agree with u more, kak effa. somehow, u're able to portray my feelings and thoughts but in a nicer way. all of us agree that this Ramadhan is different. kak effa, i put what u said in my blog eh...hehe...u write it beuatifully....

For all the years u've lived, i only knew u for u so long
You always kept on going, and always staying strong
To see the strength inside of u, and the courage that kept u alive
So u could keep on fighting for your life,and to the day u still survived

Just because your body isn't here, doesn't mean that u're gone
It only means that this live is over, and to the next one u've moved on
All we ask is that u watch over us, and make sure we're ok
Because without u is unexplainable, it's just too hard to say...

i see all the ters that have been shed, and i promise they're all for u
All our thoughts and hopes that coss our minds, will always be of u
Because when we look outside and there's only bright stars to see
We'll know u're watching over us, everyone of us u see

You might not be around anymore, not today,tomorrow or any other day
We understand that God has finally decided, that u cannot stay
He's created a place for u, up above and away from pain
Because He knew that here on earth, u'd never be well again

But here we are, still mourning over your precious life
Even if it was finally the end, of your long strenous fight
But today we shall never be sad, because it never will be the end
We shall celebrate your new journey, into the next life that u've been sent

We won't stop crying tears of sadness, pain and hope
Because dealing with your death is so hard to cope
But your legacy will live in our hearts, ech passing day
We will always love u, Tok, and u have our prayer every single day.

i just hope that we JCs and the HNS familywill stick together through thick and thin and hope that we;ll always remain close, cherishing the bond that we have forged.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

ana is so sweet..she called me just to say thank u cos i wished her happy birthday. haha. how sweet is that?haha...she's one sweet lady anyway. oh man, i miss her so much. i'm so gonna come to vj's open house and see her perform. haha, just to kaypoh2.

why must tj's open house be on the same day as mj> it was like that too last year. wow. i bet that a lot of pple are going to go to tj's open house..i mean for my juniors at least. hey, u can't blame that for that, you know. i was like that too last year. but look where i ended up in...yup..some screwed up school...howells. i've been telling my dear darling senget cuzzin and juniors not to come to mj...i haf no idea why they have this misplaced conception that mj is a very good school. well, wait till u experience life in mj. by then, it's too late..trust me on that one. i mean i've never really hated the schools that i was in before. the current one is jusr exceptional. no one will and can understand my angst. but then the pple u meet will make ur stay there worthwile. maybe it doesn't matter where u go, the pple there will make a lot of difference to your life. yet again, if u want to end your sch life with a sense of pride, i advise u not to come to mj cos u'll feel none of it. u can sure bet yuor money on that.

enough said...haha..there's so much more for voice out my unhappiness, but i'll save it for some other time, yah? haha, having too much angst in u is detrimental to the health. haha.

watched vanity fair just now. not a bad show..my kind of movie i guess...the lit kind of film, one that make u think and ponder. which brings me to the point of i hate it when guys raise their voices at me. like seriously, i really do. i mean, who are u to raise your voice at me. i'm only your friend. even my parents do not raise their voices at me...what more a person who has no blodd ties with me whatsoever. maybe i'm just being too oversensitive but it's just ungentlemanly for a guy to raise his voice at a girl for no apparent reason. anyway, gentlemanly guys are a gem now in today's society. maybe it's just a gender stereotype by a girl and guys would like to differ but whatever, i'm a girl. haha. i'm entitled to have this perception. feel free to comment yah?

there are so mnay things playing in my mind now that what i'm writing may sound incoherent..okay...i better stop...oh yah, i can't wait for the fasting month though. i mean, it's really the only time when i mind heart and soul feel so peaceful and serene. i just hope that i will make full use of this ramadhan and doa that all my amalan will be accepted by Him. Amin.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

my feet are seriously aching...all i did today was walk, walk and walk. it was certainly a fun-filled day. went out with my classmates...the crazy pple. hmmm i love them so much. thier laughter, antics and jokes never fail to make me laugh and laugh uncontrollably.

so at first, me, kiran, constance and boon rui met up to buy joey's b'day present. haha...we bought for her some nice and funky undergarments and a boittle of minitaure perfume. went to watch resident's evil. it's really a cool show filled with suspense. half the time i was covering my face with my tudung cos the sound effects really scare u and partly, it was to prevent me from screaming which obviously was a failed attempt.

then we just walked and walked in far east. gosh, there's like so many nice stuffs, enticing me to spend. but nah, i'm on a tight budget...just can't wait to get my bursary and i can spend, spend spend and shop until i crumble to the ground.....

i think boon rui is one really sweet guy...he's like the most ideal boyfriend that u can get. but nah...he's taken. wah, u really can see that he loves his gf so much. he keeps buying his gf stuffs like earrings and watches.....the bottomline is...he's super sweet. a great person to haf fun with and talk crap with....oh yah i think he is very boyish and charming...okay i shall stop swooning over him. haha...i bet constance is swwoning over him tooo...*wink wink*

i noe this is kinda copyrighted from the blurty that i share with my cousins, but i really like it so yah, i shall just put it here.....

Life is the process of finding love; every person
will need to find four people
in their life.

First person is you,
Second person is the one you love most,
Third person is the one who love you most,
And the fourth is the one you spend the rest of your
life with.

In life, firstly you will meet with the one you love
most, and learn how love feels.

Because you know how love feels, so you can find
the person who loves you most.

When you have experienced the feeling of loving
others and being loved, you will then know what it
is you need most.

Then you will find the person who is most suitable
for you, to be able to spend the rest of your life
with.

Sadly, in real life, these three people are usually
not the same person.
The one you love most doesn’t love you.
The one, who love you most, is never the one you
love most.
And the one you spend your life with, is never the
one you love most or the one who love you most.

He is just the person who happens to be at the
right place at the right time.

Which person are you in other peoples’ life?

No person will purposely have a change of heart.
At the point in time when he loves you, he really
loves you.
But when he doesn’t love you anymore, he really
doesn’t love you anymore.
When he loves you, he can’t pretend that he
doesn’t.
Same goes, when he loves you no more, there’s
no way he can pretend he loves you.

When a person doesn’t love you and wants to
leave you.
You must ask yourself if you still love him,
If you also don’t love him anymore, do not keep
him just to save your pride.
If you still love him, you should wish him
happiness, and hope that he will be
with the one he loves most, not stop him from it.

If you stop him from finding true happiness with the
one he loves, it shows you
already don’t love him,
And if you don’t love him, what rights do you have
to blame him for a change of
heart?
Love is not possessive,

If you like the moon, you can’t just take it down
and put it in your basin,
But the moonlight still shines upon you.
In other words, when you love a person, you can
use another method of possessing
the person.
Let him become a permanent memory in you life.

If you really love a person, you must love him for
what he is.
Love him for his good points, and the bad,
You can’t wish for him to become like what you
like him to be just because you
love him.

If he can’t change to become what you like him to
be, you don’t love him anymore.

When you really love a person, you cannot find a
reason why you love him,
You only know that no matter when and where,
good mood or bad mood, you will
wish to have this person be with you.

Real love is when two people can go through the
toughest problems without asking for promises or
listing criteria.

In a relationship, you have to put in effort and give
in at times, not always be on the receiving end.

Being away from each other is a type of test,
If the relationship isn’t strong, then you can only
admit defeat.
Real love will never become hate.

When two people are in love, they love to ask
each other to swear, to make promises.
Why do they ask each other to swear and
promise?
Because they don’t trust each other, they don’t
trust their lover.

These swear and promises are useless;
Till the sky falls, till the ocean dry, my love for you
will never change!
We all know that the sky will never fall; the ocean
will never dry,
Even if it does happen, are we still alive by then?

Be careful when making promises; don’t make
promises that you cannot keep.
Swear by things that can never happen, because it
can never happen, so no harm
just saying it casually.

Remember, Swearing by things that can never
happen are the most touching!!?
In a relationship, what you say is one thing, but
what you do is another;
The one saying, doesn’t believe; the one
listening, also doesn’t believe.

Which person have you found so far?

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

boooo...i'm here again. i'm a girl who's finally attained complete freedom!!!!No longer slogging off and burying myself with notes, notes and more notes, though one cannot really say that of pw...bleah. let's think abt pw when the time comes. let me rejoice at my new clebrated freedom for a moment..thank you....

yay..no more mugging and staying back in sch late. everything's over. oh yah, i need help in choosing what course to take in poly next year. anyone keen to help? (sarcasm intended though). should i take mass commm or early childhood psychology?

chem and maths were so easy that i could do it with a snap of my finger. i'm totally confident that i'd ace through all my papers with the help of a lot of luck and a wonderful miracle...a perfet score for each subject...*applause for fathiah, plase*

oh, i have a date with my classmates tomorrow....haha...everyone wants to go on a date with me..i feel so flattered...:). okay fathiah, stop the crap and stop being so prasan....haha gosh, i'm really putting myself on a pedestal, aren't i?

and to sarah...i miss u tons and gazillions too!!!!!

just now, while waiting for maths paper, i was really on the brink of a break down. like seriously but somehow i managed to control myself. i feel so cheated u noe....all these made me realise that i'm adifferent person now. i used to do everything with passion and energy...passion and the desire to do something rules my life more than anyhting else....but somehow, all those energy is sapped away from me...evaporated into thin air. now, i'm trying frantically trying to find that lost touch in me but to no avail....

without a doubt, i've become a more boring person...like a girl with no soul wandering aimlessly in sch with no sense of purpose and direction....ah, what the heck, life's more than that...

hmmm..can a princee charming just appear and sweep me off my feet now? i'm so tired and sick of leading a mundane life. anybody wants to marry me? suitors, anyone?

Monday, October 04, 2004

suddenly i'm inspired to write in malay..it's been ages since i wrote in malay and yup it's super rusty. i can't believe that i used to be able to write in malay quite satisfactorily. kind of sad huh to chuck aside your own mother tongue to one side...so the following few paragraph would be in malay, or rather my failed attmep at writing in malay.

pada hari ini, saya mempunyai(is that the correct word to use?) peperiksaan biologi. pepriksaan itu sunnug susah sekali sampai saya mahu sahaja kleuar daripada dewan pepriksaan. mahu sahaja saya "give up". lagipun, dewan pepriksaan sungguh panas sekali sehingga saya berpeluh dan tidak dapat fokus.

semalam saya gaduh dgn kakak saya yg sunnguh menyakitkan hati. lepas tu saya menagis kerana hati saya terluka.

howells...that was really a failed attempt man..i sound like a primary sch kid just learning how to write a malay essay...

Today, i woke up at 6.15 in the morning.

Today i ate macaroni with cheese for breakfast.

Today i studied bio from 6.15 in the morning all the way till 1.30 pm in the afternoon.

Today i had bio exam.

Today i screwed up my bio paper. well, what's new.

Today it finally dawned on me that i'm such a stupid girl with no intellect whatsoever.

Today i went to mcdonald's and ate fish o fillet.

Today i dun feel like studying chem or maths.

Yesterday i went to the mosque for my weekly religious class.

Yesterday i went to popular and spent so much money on redundant stuff.

Yesterday, my sister hurt my feelings so deeply that i cried.

Yesterday i hated my sister for insulting me.

Yesterday i went to my uncle's house for the weekly family gathering.

Yesterday i ate sup tulang at my uncle's house.

Yesterday i watched the man u- middlesbrough match on tv.

On Saturday i had gp paper.

On Saturday i screwed up my gp.

On saturday, i wrote out of point for my gp essay.

On Saturday i went to long john's for lunch.

On Friday i woke up at 10 in the morning.

On Friday i ate my mum's curry puffs for breakfast.

On Friday, I studied bio.

On Friday i went out with my darling senget cousins.

On Friday i spent 3 hours at the hairdresser near Kembangan Plaza.

On Friday i went to east coast and ate roti john for dinner.

erggh...i feel so depressed...

Friday, October 01, 2004

home yah..Just read nurul's and my sister's blog andak effa's blurty entries...oh no..i'm tearing. yup, i agree with u all...family gatherings on sundays are not excitable anymore. it's merely a routine, not sth to look forward too. and yah, i feel that we're drifting apart, with all our business and everything. but somehow, my brain tells me not to think this way...that everything is gonna be alright...that the bond we share will be closer...talk abt not wanting to face reality, huh? i think that in our fast-paced life and the need and desire to strive for excellence, we've totally lost ourselves that we tend to be selfish and we have the me me me and only me mentality. sighz....it's been such a long time since we went out together...

just on tues after i ate sahur, i was just lying down for a while then i suddenly cried. i was just reminiscing the memories last yr...then somehow, the memories that were forcefully locked in my heart just came back.i was just remembering what happened last yr arnd this time. i was busy with prelims. lost in my own world, feared for my results...studying for my o level bio pract...then Tok fell sick...

i cannot help but remember the night before that fateful day...on a Thursday night..8th Jan...we were in nenek's room watching tv and how kak effa, kakak, nurul and aton were making plans to go to the john little sale....i still remembered how lethargic i felt and i was half-asleep on the bed...

i still remembered how we wanted to go home and wanted to salam tok but he was already asleep..not knowing that we would never get the chance to do so again......i still remember on that fateful morning, how i hesitated to board the bus to go to sch, as if expecting something bad to happen...the heavy feeling that was in my heart...and that call by my sister said it all...making all my bad expectations come true...

i guess what my cousins and sister said was true...that the loss of a truly loved one is still being felt even thought it has already been 9 months or so. no matter how hard u try to get on with life..the grief will always be with u and the memories etched in the heart and mind will occasionally come back to us.......and how our family became sadder after the incident...no more of the excitement of planning to book a chalet, what more go for a holiday. all this made me realise that Tok was the one who held the family together...binded us together.

last yr was really a turning point for me...and i think as a person, i changed a lot. what seems like a trivial stuff matter a lot to me..maybe one might see it as being oversensitive. i became a stronger person and a young lady who suddenly saw things in another new dimension and from a crooked angle...